elfwriting:

Marvel characters as John Mulaney quotes

I got a lot of notes on my ‘Voltron characters as John Mulaney quotes’ so I did a marvel one :)

*Also not ALL marvel characters are on here, it’s mainly just characters from IW

Spider-Man: top three colleges? I thought I’d be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out the tail light by now.

Iron Man: you can do good work by staying up and eating junk food, but probably not in the long run.

Captain America: Anyway, this is a long winded way of saying we bought a stroller for our dog.

Bucky: you know those types of days where you’re Like, this might as well happen?

Black Widow: You have the moral backbone of a chocolate èclair.

Hulk: I hear what you’re saying, and I ALSO don’t want me to be doing what I’m currently doing.

Scarlet witch: it’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.

Vision: Ah! One feels like a duck, splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!

Hawkeye: in terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroine.

Nick Fury: I don’t look older, I just look worse.

War machine: don’t look at me or I’ll kill myself.

Falcon: anyone who has seen my dick and met my parents needs to die.

Black Panther: I don’t care for these new Nazi’s and you may quote me on that.

Shuri: I always thought quicksand was gunna be a bigger problem than it really is.

Gamora: I keep all my emotions right here, and one day I’ll die.

Nebula: you know I’m full of rage? I’m so horny and angry all the time and I have no outlet for it.

Rocket: God, I guess they’re finally gunna kill us - alright. This is earlier than I thought but we’re pretty big assholes.

Groot: too old to be a duckling. Quack quack.

Starlord: and I’m Like, “hey! That’s the thing I’m insecure about!”

Valkyrie: I quit drinking because I used to “ruin parties.”

Drax: everybody get out of my way! I just wanna sit here and feed my birds!

Thor: my dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t get it.

Loki: and then I said “No,” you know, like a liar.

Ant-Man: adult life is already so goddamn weird.

Wasp: now I get to say “my wife,” which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. It’s fun to say “my wife.” “Get away from my wife!” “No one talk to my wife!” “I didn’t kill my wife!”

Dr. Strange: I know all of that, how do YOU know all of that?

(via damienhaasmyheart)